Letter to L. (December 19, 2016)

Dear L.,
Acknowledging that is most likely not what we intended, I still feel it fair for you to know that I have developed the strongest infatuation for you. 

Perhaps you brought me to the hospital and held there so you could secretly administer some potion of the night, which would drown me with an uncontrollable mesmerisation for you, like the Shakespearean lunatic that I already am becoming. 

You brought me, somewhat, into the heart of your everyday life, something that others to which I have been close have been reluctant to do. I am honoured to have been part of it, even if just for one precious day. 

I know that I feel so strongly for you it is at best 'unprofessional' and 'unconventional', which is what makes it transcend past the adorned 'bullshit' of existence, and what instead makes it true and real. 

Understandably, this is more than what you would have expected from someone who is a 'rich, drunk, party-fuck' who teased about role-playing with you, but it is my emotional sensitivity that has led me to an awe of you. 

You have entranced me like an insect towards the light, which kills itself along the quest of desperation in the hope of being one with someone so radiantly wonderful. Maybe, this momentary break from my academic life drives me to compulsively pursue others things, like you. Yet, I know as someone inclined to intellectual excellence, that there is little time to address interpersonal matters, and which partially explains your little, or very withdrawn, communication with me, but I know that the interest is not fully returned at the magnitude at which I have for you. 

Perhaps we met at the wrong time and perhaps we are not right. I will always be immersed in my materialistic drive and will not settle for being in anything less than the '€40k/mo club' and in such a way have spent what I have to dwell in Nordrheinwestfalen, perhaps not indirectly, to stay closer to you. Whereas, you have encouraged me to re-recognise that one 'can' be fulfilled with satisfaction from existential hedonism rather than superficial materialism. Yet, I remain the insane-intelligent; and you the calculated-intelligent.
Perhaps yes we are both indeed interpersonally-fluent and intellectually-successful, but, because of where I usually live, I still wander in uncharted waters when I am around guys my age who enchant my mind and my heart. And so I thank you for showing me, and opening the door, further than has anyone else, to what there is to value in finding in someone who is each other's world entire in mind, body and heart.

My yearning to be close to you, to exist inside of you and to be one and the same with you, one cannot fully comprehend it. My desire to hold you in my arms day after day and my wish to have you forever as mine is immense. My craving for you is unquantifiable and my admiration for you is unrepresentable. 

I leave with a smile in my eyes knowing that I have at least met someone who I would have the passion to be with forever, although of course we know oh how so foolish that would be.
You have brought me to a place of 'psychosis' and mesmerisation to which I have never ventured before, and here I only find the most captivating wonders.

I leave with an enchanting memory of you, for the incredible person you are: with the face, body, mind and heart of my dreams, and with that I want to stare into until the end of my days.

I wish you all the best, of course knowing you are destined for success, with a plan and a drive to accomplish, like myself. I want the best for you. 

Love never dies, and instead it fades, much live lives, which we cannot save, but which we can prolong. Perhaps I hope to meet you again, someday. 

I will remain with the enchanting memory of you and its wondrous glory, as it slowly threatens to disappear amidst the horizon of the encroaching darkness of time. 

Letter to L. (December 15, 2016)

Dear L.,

I just wanted to take the time to express myself. Fundamentally, I am grateful to have met you and would like to thank you for the ‘interesting’, enjoyable, and ‘fun’ time we have had together.

Despite out fluctuating narcissism and our impending promiscuity as interpersonally-fluent and intellectually-successful individuals, there is in me still a unactivated spot of blind affection in my heart (or rather amygdala), which has recently exposed me to some potentially strong emotions towards you.

You know that you are profound, kind to ‘worthy people’, beautiful and destined to a great future (much like myself, I like to think) because of you inherited abilities and drive to succeed, but you are also a truly incredible individual. 

In my view, I feel a rare psychological and physiological connection has been achieved, and I obviously wish that you consider the same, although perhaps not enough time has yet passed to tell. 

You have helped me realise that I am so immersed in my own facade that is perpetuated by my materialism, rather than delighted by my existence that is sustained by my intellectualism. I have often wondered, but now have come close to conclude, that I seem to live a life of which most people dream, but continue to dream of the things most people already have.

You have evidenced that some ‘mixed-boy’ is unlikely to waste my time, that some of the sexually-adventurous are also some of the purest, and that those who live the furthest away may be the closest. 

Mainly because of the physical distance to you in the long term, it may be feasible to dismiss it, but I can only dream that some small infatuation is reciprocated by you. 

I will remain with the enchanting memory of you and our amazing time together.
I hope you will be blessed with all the best of luck in your future endeavours.

I hope that we remain in each other’s lives, indefinitely, in the distance, but perhaps the embellished thought will gradually fade and eventually dissolve into the mist of time.