I think that I originally came to Dresden this summer in the hope of rekindling the more intimate connection we once had. I leave now without having achieved that, but I also leave with different perspectives.
It is clear that we are the same kind of territorial existentialists who would prefer to adjust as little as possible for each other when sustaining a relationship, and that it would have been impossible to have a conventional, live-in arrangement. It was clear that a long-distance connection was the ideal way for us to be physically distant yet close in the heart. And it is clear that it was my fault that such an arrangement could not be sustained between us.
I continue to be intrigued by the beauty of your mind, T. I still consider you as much more than a friend. It is hard to stop dreaming of holding you tight in my arms with my fingers wrapped around your back, and your chest pressed against mine. I would not pursue to keep you in the fingers of my conversation everyday if I did not yearn to have you by my side.
It has been hard to decide whether it is good for me to return and it has been hard for me to acknowledge that the past cannot be reassembled. It is a pain that persists unnoticed, which only attacks during the sober silence of self-awareness. But to me the preciousness of the experiences we share is greater than the heartache of accepting that no more intimacy could be garnered.
The enchantment of the Zweisamkeit is effervescent and indulgent, indeed, but we know that the true peace of mind for the independent individual is achieved purely from within. The intrinsic existential satisfaction may be garnished further with the company of someone whose form and mind delight the senses and the heart. The redamancy and its rarity has contributed to the eternal value of the connection we share.
I would say I have been partially enlightened. I have appreciated the different levels of mindfulness and the times when which is appropriate. Adapting the intellectual arrogance of those who can comprehend and express the wonder of nostalgia and the power of silence, I am thankful for a new level of self-awareness, which vests me with greater power in managing my own sense of ease with the living world around me, mitigating the hostility which I suspect leads to indirect psychosomatic anxiety, which I suspect is also indirectly fueled by my narcissism. It is valuable for me to be away from the external comfort of my family, but still in a home away from home that is Dresden, to realise my inner disequilibrium.
The quest for a greater sense of Geborgenheit could be a lifelong one. I am aware of the materialistic-existential conundrum; I am too intelligent to pretend it is not there. I acknowledge that what I value most is to stare deep into someone’s eyes, to feel the wind blowing through my hair, to sense the sun radiating onto my arms and to notice the water flowing over my hands. To this I can say that I will intend to have a penthouse to better appreciate the sky and a yacht to better appreciate the sea. It is so hard to eliminate the hatred and the arrogance, which are widespread among those with whom I have grown up. The indefinitely-arrogant will never realise the pretentiousness, and the never-arrogant will never realise the struggle. I am so blessed to have witnessed both sides, the materialistic delight and the existential satisfaction. It may be easier for many people who will never see the other side, who are too unintelligent or who are too stubborn: the poor who are uninspired to explore the greatness of the world that awaits, and the rich who fail to recognize that the best things are free and have always been there.
Why is it so incomprehensibly rare for people to be truly both materialistic and existential, to be conventionally successful and spiritually-obliged, to be a patron of the sciences and of the arts? I am thankful to be able to comprehend, practice and value all the opposites, but it is makes it harder to decide where to go.
It would be so divine to be with you. But I think I could, for your benefit, consider it even more precious for me to be confronted with the stimulus that you have given and not to be with you. An eternal calling to seek a better awareness of life through understanding existence through science and appreciating existence through art. I am grateful to have fallen in love with you, because it has made me fall in love with the totality of the tangible world and the intangible world.
